Apparently, on this date last year, I wrote "Feigning constant strength is weakness at its best." (Thanks, Facebook, and your random facts.) Background: The phrase was prompted by my first visit to the therapist I saw for a few months, who was really good at making me realize just how weak I really am. It sounds terrible, but if you know me, you know that that is exactly what I need.
Strength has been a constant theme in my life over the last year. From my therapist, to my handful of friends who have picked up the habit of reminding me that I am often too strong, to Facebook randomly popping up, it seems like at every turn I am being reminded of the irony of my life: strength is often my weakness.
A huge part of my summer was learning how to be weak. How to admit when I need help, prayers, a good shoulder to cry on. Anything. How to admit that everything isn't fine all the time, and that falling apart is okay. I called my best friend (a lot) this summer, often mid-sob, because I needed her to tell me that I wasn't crazy simply because my heart was breaking for pain that wasn't my own.
But more than learning how to quit being "too strong for my own good," (which is still very much a process) I have begun asking why I am that way. Why is my heart so inclined to be self-sufficient? To never need anyone, never be weak, never be broken. If you know my story, none of these habits are really that surprising. Oh, but it is so much more than that. I could blame it all on external things, but if I am truly honest, the majority of this problem has nothing to do with my story. It has to do with what I worship.
So, what is it that I am chasing? Where am I refusing to rest in the Lord, that causes me to want to be strong all the time? In other words, what am I worshiping besides God?
It is sad that as soon as I thought about that question, it took me less than ten seconds to answer it: control. I idolize control. I like to be in control. And when I'm not, it is generally because I choose not to be, which is still being in control. I have trouble sharing it, and I often chase it without realizing I am doing so.
Oh, how God is wreaking havoc on this idol of mine. He has not only put people in my life who manage to push through my feigned strength (even when I hate them for it,) but he has given me a heart that is content enough with being vulnerable that, for the first time in my life, I am able to really feel for both myself and others. But he hasn't stopped there.
Today, I packed all of my belongings for an entire semester into one 47 lb bag and one 26 liter backpack. And I have no idea where I am really going this semester. Or after. And I don't care. I have quit searching for an answer. For the first time in my life, I'm not trying to figure it out. I am content to take my backpack and go wherever, whenever the Lord calls me.
And it's funny because, just as I reached this conclusion, I reached another. If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my teeth. I hate them. They are beautiful and perfectly straight, but that's about it. They are soft as can be. Meaning, I brush my teeth twice a day, floss once a day, use flouride toothpaste and mouth rinse and EVERYTHING ever made to strengthen your teeth, and I STILL have cavities. Last time I went to the dentist, I had five. One turned into a crown, which then turned into a root canal yesterday.
I cry every time I go into the dentist. Almost beyond consolation. Because I put so much effort into caring for my teeth, and it makes no difference. No fruit comes from it. While others put no effort into caring for their teeth, and they have never had a cavity. I don't understand.
I realized that this is a kind of strength that I'll never be able to feign. I can't create it, I can't control it. There is only so much I can do, and the rest of it I just have to trust the Lord that he has some kind of plan in it. Yesterday, I was sitting in the dentist's office, and I finally quit praying about my teeth. (Not that that is a bad thing at all, but I was missing the point.) I gave up trying to make the Lord fix it. Instead, I prayed that my heart would be obedient, and that if he wants to give me a mouth full of fillings and porcelain, despite all my hard work otherwise... Well, he must have a good reason for that. There is something perfect about that. And it is beyond my control.
It seems that he has been working on this idol of mine for a long time. Before I knew it was there. Before I even wanted to let it go. Before I even really knew who God was...What an amazing God we have.
I'll keep you updated on how he continues to break down this oh-so-nasty idol of mine, because I am certain he will.
He's working on yours too, though. So at least we are in good company.
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