A Living Sanctuary

I hope that I never stop being amazed by the people in my life.

I cannot remember the last time a day went by that I wasn't absolutely astounded by someone.

Honestly. I can't really find the words to express how very blessed I am.

It's absolutely amazing. There is so much going on in my heart right now. I am struggling with disappointment, pain, anger and guilt. There is a lot of warfare going on in my heart, and I am often bested by my pride. I often find myself struggling just to keep my footing.

And I am constantly being reminded to stop fighting for my footing. Sometimes in words, actions, prayers, and sometimes just the mere presence of the people in my life? I am reminded to give up my footing and fall to my knees.

I am astounded. Humbled. Awed. Inspired by the clarity of Jesus in people. By the strength of his presence in their lives. By their willingness to deny themselves and let him love through them.

By their willingness to refuse to walk away from me, in all my sin and failure, and love me like Christ.

I am struggling. And, more than anything else, I struggle to find my worth in God alone. I want so badly to define myself by the way others treat me. And that leads to a lot of selfishness, defensiveness, and feigned strength on my part.

And, without fail, God always speaks to me in those moments. Usually through those around me. God so gently draws me back to him.

There are no huge revelations today. I have not come to any great conclusions, or anything particularly profound.

Today, I am simply grateful for the people God has blessed me with. I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who love Jesus well. Who love me well. Who are humble and wise, and who teach me how to love Jesus better.

I'm grateful to be surrounded by people who point me back to Jesus when I so desperately want to turn away. Who love me in all my imperfections, and are grateful for my imperfect love in return.

I'm grateful for the chance to share my heart with people, and for people who share their hearts with me.

Love is such a gift. I'm grateful for God's willingness to work through me, through the people around me, to teach us all more about that love. For using imperfect people to draw us nearer to a perfect God.

Talk about a living Gospel.

God is so good.

"I Will Break Down Your Stubborn Pride."

(^^Leviticus 26:19)

I struggle with pride.

If you've met me, you probably know this.

And over the last few months, God has been kindly teaching me to deny my pride.

But I wasn't getting it.

So he stopped being quite so kind about it.

It's hard for me to really share my heart, mostly because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I do not think that whatever I'm dealing with is worth bothering other people. And if I only share bits and pieces of my heart, well, then I can control what parts of me they really know. Dumb, I know, but there it is.

Despite that fear, I recently found myself standing in the middle of the University rec center, crying on my roommate's shoulder and unable to calm down enough to see straight. I started a five hour drive in near hysterics, and ended that five hour drive still bearing tear tracks.

Let's just say that this has been building up for a long time, and it all came flooding out at once. I had to be that overwhelmed before I could swallow my pride. During that five hour drive? I called four different friends, simply because I needed someone to pray with me, and for someone to know what was going on in my heart.

And, surprise surprise, God met me there.

Because if it breaks my heart, then it breaks God's too. And that is never anything but a BIG deal.

And by refusing to share my heart, I'm not only telling God that his heart doesn't matter, I am telling the people around me that I do not trust them enough to be honest with them.

Wow.

It's a problem of my heart. Of where my trust is. Of where I find my worth. Of my pride.

Because I think that I have more control if I pretend that everything is fine all the time. And that silence leaves so much room for Satan to convince me that no one wants to hear what I have to say anyway. That no one cares about what's going on in my heart.

Suddenly, I find myself believing that my friends love Jesus better, are better people than I am, because they do not seem to need to call me crying. That everyone else knows all this stuff, and I'm a bad person for not having all this stuff figured out already. And then that spirals into "I'm not worth loving, and I'm not good enough because I'm too naive, too proud, too broken, to selfish...etc."

I'm just now realizing all the lies that I have been believing.

So, I'm glad that God brought me to that place. Because all those phone calls? All that sharing of my heart? It was incredibly hard. But it brought all of those lies to light. And it pointed me back to Jesus.

Which is the point of community in the first place. And, again, one of the best parts that I have not been taking advantage of. We have hearts that feel passionately, and we are not meant to be alone in that.

It's a long process, and I'm still pretty bad at it. But I think I'll keep sharing my heart.

Not only because it is biblical, but because I realize the damage it does when you don't do it. And why it is commanded of us in the first place.

Because we aren't strong enough to do life alone. Jesus hardly did anything other than share his heart.

Who am I to think that I can love God by living any differently?

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of the light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true." Ephesians 5:8-9

Things I'm Excited About

I'm about halfway done typing a post about what really is going on in my life, but I doubt that I'll be able to finish it any time soon. So, in the mean time, I am in need of some happy things, and some reasons to be excited and remember to thank God for this week.

1. I get to spend time with the Martins. Best. Family. Ever.
2. Gretchen Mueller. Friday cannot be here fast enough.
3. Allison, Meghan and Taylor's sweet faces and sweet coffee dates this week.
4. The $600 I'll be making at my job in the next four days.
5. Being stretched. In so many different ways.
6. All the crazy things that God is teaching me. Although there are moments when I wish that he would just leave me alone, I'm glad that he doesn't.
7. Lots of time and perfect weather for running, a plethora of good books, and sunshine all week.
8. New contacts so I'll actually be able to see.
9. Chick-Fil-A being closer than 20 min away.
10. Getting to go to my church on Sunday.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

Have you ever taken a step back, looked at a situation, and realized that you've been making it a lot more complicated than it really needed to be? That was entirely rhetorical, because I know that you're just like me and have probably done this more than you realize. It's funny, because when you're in the middle of it, it sure doesn't seem like you're over reacting. It seems like you're reacting to the exact, appropriate degree. But I have been wrong, wrong, wrong.

Something finally clicked in my stubborn brain today. There is a person in my life that I find rather difficult to love. And my reservations, my concerns about honestly loving them, my doubts, they are warranted. Or, at least, they started out that way. (Though one concern in particular I'd probably categorize as simply human, and not at all warranted.) But I have been selfish.

For days (or months, if you really need to know...) I have talked myself, and my friends, in circles about why I am right in this situation. Why my failure to love them is excused because I have to protect my heart, and if that relationship has to suffer in order for me to do that, well, you can't win 'em all. And yet, I constantly feel this need for affirmation. This need for others to validate that mindset, to agree with me that I'm right... That would be because I wasn't right at all. I have been copping out.

I have been so caught up in the little things that I've lost sight of the big picture. I realize that I have spent entirely too much time thinking about all the reasons why I shouldn't love them, instead of remembering the one reason that I should: because Jesus does. Because Jesus asked me to. I took my doubts and blew them way out of proportion. Because it is so much easier to concentrate on being frustrated, on all the reasons why loving them is a bad idea, than to risk being hurt by sharing my heart with them.

And I think my selfish motives run even deeper. I was looking for reasons to be frustrated. Why? Because loving them is hard for me. It requires my vulnerability without any guarantee that I'll be protected in that vulnerability. It requires the kind of reckless love that I have been praying for but (I'm now understanding) I have been too afraid to live by. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of making things messy. And I'm reluctant to step outside this comfort zone of half-hearted love that I seem to be very fond of.

But...

It isn't about me. Who do I think I am, to blatantly ignore the call to love someone, simply because it makes me uncomfortable? And my concerns didn't even start out as wrong. But that fact that I've been using them as reasons to excuse my selfish behavior? That is wrong.

I was wrong.

And the thing is, it doesn't make it any easier to love them. I think it will always be a struggle for me. That fear of being hurt, that desire to simply run away and let someone else love them is still there, still strong. But God doesn't call us to love each other like Christ because it is easy. He calls us to love each other the way he loves us because he knows how powerful love like that can be. It is that kind of love that changed my life. How dare I deny someone else the chance to know that kind of love? Because it's hard. Because I might get hurt. Because I'm too cowardly to love everyone the same.

Because I'm too selfish to love with reckless abandon and trust that God, not I, is in charge of protecting my heart.

Who do I think I am?

My call is to love. To love recklessly. To love everyone the same. To foster the same heart for people that God does. That's not what I've done at all.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Having Words...Strong Words.

One of the huge things that I am currently learning is how to be vulnerable. So, here goes. I'm going to be honest about how I feel right now. I am frustrated. And angry. No, scratch that. I'm pissed.

God and I? We've been butting heads all day today. That may be putting it too lightly. My heart aches, and God and I have been having some words. Strong words. And I realize how very lucky I am that he is the kind of God who patiently waits for me to pause for breath so that he can teach me truth. But I'm not finished wrestling with God and this tension and the terrifying direction that he's leading me. I am so frustrated. And pissed. And that is the extent of my vulnerability, honesty, and inclination to write today.

And the picture? That's Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland. It's the place I'm most excited about going. I already posted about it a few months ago, but I very much wanted the reminder that I will actually be standing there in a few months.

Tongue of Fire

James has seriously been rocking my world. I do not even know where to begin. Talk about Scripture slapping you in the face... If you haven't read the book, you should. If you come out of it with the same view of faith, you need to go back and pay more attention.

So what's the revelation today? Well, there have been a few, since I've had a lot of down time these last few days. But I'll only subject you to one long, aimless ramble for today. How thoughtful, right? Sorry if it makes absolutely no sense. Consider this my disclaimer.

"The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.... It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:5-6, 8

Did that slap you in the face? Because it certainly did me. I often describe myself as being without a filter. I say pretty much what comes to mind as soon as it crosses my mind. And often, people take my candor with good humor, so I convince myself that it is alright. In reading James, though, I am convicted.

Don't get me wrong. I do not believe that candor in itself is a bad thing. Open honesty is incredibly important, and I believe it is a gift of mine. However, it is in the heart which I sometimes joke that I have been painfully wrong. I can be incredibly mean.

Do I honor God in everything that I say? Not even close. If I am completely honest, it is more often than not that I poke fun at someone else because it makes me feel better. I am not building them up. I am trying to tear them down because they have something that I do not, be it courage, skill or knowledge of some kind. I tend to find my own worth threatened, so I lash out at them in an attempt to level the playing field.

Who do I think I am? How am I encouraging others to love Christ when I am constantly tearing them down? "For whatever is in your heart determines what you say." Matthew 12:34. Thus, when I say mean things, it is because they flow from a hard heart. There is an incredibly humbling truth in that: I tear down the people around me because, as Jeremiah 17:9 says, my heart is desperately wicked. Because I "want something but don't get it, so I kill and covet but I cannot have what I want." James 4:2. I am jealous of what others have, in the depths of my heart, so I tear them down in my attempt to take it from them.

I am convicted. Talk about being slapped in the face. It's tempting to wallow in my own self pity, to stop at that conviction and resign myself to be condemned for my sin. But God doesn't stop there. Because I am not condemned. "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Hebrews 12:5

It hurts. It is uncomfortable. I do not enjoy it. But I do welcome it, because I am God's daughter and I am not the same.

And I am reminded of the simple truth that never fails to make my heart skip a beat:

I do wicked things. But I am not a wicked person. Because I am not defined by my sin. I am defined by Christ, because "It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20.

Convicted? Yes. Loved? Incredibly so. Does my heart ache for the damage I've let my words do? Yes. But am I left alone in that, condemned to the hopeless misery of my failure? Not a chance. I am forgiven, changed and encouraged by the God who walks this narrow road right next to me.