Tattooed

If you haven't heard the rumors, well, they're true anyway.... I got a tattoo. While the decision to actually go get it two nights ago was very spur-of-the-moment, I've been sitting on the idea for about 4 years now.

Almost 4 years ago, I spent a week at Younglife's Crooked Creek Ranch. I went because I wanted to spend the week away from my house, away from my life, riding zip lines and ropes courses and laying by the pool in Colorado. I had no idea what I was in for.

I did get to spend the week doing all the kinds of crazy things that I love. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep at night. As my Younglife leader likes to put it, I got quieter and surlier as the week went on, to the point that she was a little bit afraid of me. That's because I was FREAKING OUT.

Every day at club, I heard a little bit more about Jesus. The more I heard, the more I liked the sound of him. And the more I came face to face with everything in my life that I had tried to run away from. I had questions, doubts, and fears about Jesus. I was angry and hurt and confused, and at a loss for what to do.

And then, the second to last night of camp... We were ten thousand feet up a mountain, in the middle of Colorado. They turned all the lights out in camp, in the middle of the night, and no one was speaking. I was laying in the grass, nowhere near another soul, staring up at a canopy of inky black, velvet blue, and more stars than you can possibly imagine. The only sound was Ryan Long's voice singing out over the camp, singing this old hymn:

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy. Weak and wounded by the fall.
Jesus ready, stands to save you, full of pity, love and power.

I will rise and go to Jesus, he will embrace me in his arms.
For in the arms of my dear Savior, there are ten thousand charms.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall.
If you tarry til you're better, you will never come at all.

I will rise and go to Jesus, he will embrace me in his arms.
For in the arms of my dear Savior, there are ten thousand charms.

It's the moment that I became a Christian. That moment, even though I had no idea that I had changed. It wasn't until the next morning, when I was talking to Ryan and my Younglife leader, that I realized that I was different. (that's what the date means. I sketched the tattoo the day after I got back from camp.) Since that moment, I have changed so much. I have learned, I have failed, I have fallen, I have rebelled, I have loved, and I have been changed. I am not the same.

And sometimes, I get so caught up in the rules and expectations that I forget why I love Jesus in the first place. Every time I see my tattoo, it moves my heart. Because it takes me back to that moment under the Colorado stars, when my questions and fears melted away and I found myself walking into the arms of a Savior who loves me despite me. For in the arms of my dear Savior, there are ten thousand charms.

I love it when people ask me about my tattoo. I love telling the story. Not only because it brings me back to that moment, but because I realized that it is an opportunity to share about what God has done in my life. It's an awesome conversation starter, and I didn't realize that it would be. I did it for me, as an act of worship, and God is showing me how to use it to teach others about him. Wow.

I'm Not Who I Was

First and foremost, I'd like to thank those of you who have put up with my ridiculous moodiness over the last few days. I appreciate you letting me do my thing, and loving me anyway. In the words of my roommate, "Of COURSE you're moody! Did you read your last blog post??" Love her.

Why so moody? Well, that's a bit of a long story. Feel free to bail now, if you aren't interested :) God has been doing some CRAZY things in my life.

It really began two days ago when I read James 1:2-4. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Did you catch that first part? About considering troubles as an opportunity for great joy? What does that even mean???

I read this yesterday morning, and got butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't help but smile. Because I finally understand what this means. You see, considering trouble as an opportunity for joy doesn't mean that you don't care about that trouble. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore, that your heart doesn't ache anymore, or that it doesn't matter. What it DOES mean is that you're being shaped, being stretched, being changed. It means that you won't be the same person in the end. You'll be better in the end for having gone through it. Finding joy in the midst of trouble means holding on to that promise and having hope, being excited for the chance to be more like Christ, rather than despairing in your heartache. It means that God uses trouble to teach us, and to make us more like him.

Did you catch that?

I'm not who I was!

As of even four days ago, I am not the same person that I was. God is teaching me SO much in the middle of all this, not the least of which being that I have a voice. I'm learning to love others like Christ, and how to have joy in the midst of trouble. God is teaching me to both be still, and to have faith that works. He is absolutely, mercilessly, overturning everything that I thought I knew about faith. And I couldn't be happier.

I'm proud to be here. I'm proud to bear this weight because I do not bear it alone. I'm so excited, because I am not who I was! I am being shaped, being changed, by the God who shoulders this weight right next to me. I have found joy in the midst of trouble, and I can't believe that I've missed the true sense of it for so long.

Nothing is different. I'm still in the middle of the same crap that I was before. This high will fade, and I'll have to face the same life that I've been struggling with lately. But I have found the kind of joy that doesn't fade away. I will walk out of this season as a woman who is a little more like Christ than the woman I was when I walked into it. I am not the same.

So let the waters rise, if you want them to. I will follow you.

I do so love my God.

Jealous?

You should be :)
This is Budapest.
(Psst...That's in Hungary.)
Oh yeah, and I'm going to go there.
I'm so excited.
Yay!


Who says God isn't good?


Even if I do have to go with Graham....

Sleepless in Nashville

I'm going to be totally honest (even though most of y'all already know this): I'm struggling. To a degree that I have never experienced before. I have stopped comforting myself with the thought that "it can't get any worse," because every time I think that, it gets worse. In short, I feel like the threads of my life are fraying. I am trying to sort out deep, old issues and current dysfunction. The person that I went to for help, well, she let me down and left me hanging. I am questioning my choice of college, and whether or not I should stay here in this place that I've made my home.

And currently, I find myself surrounded by friends that are so incredibly joyful. And I love that. I need that right now. But it is so hard. Two of my best friends started dating (which I have been waiting for for a year now) and there is a joy that resonates from the pair of them. Another sweet friend is most likely going to be engaged in the near future, and the thought of it makes me smile because they are so perfect for each other. And another handful of my friends are about to graduate, and I can see the excitement, fear, and joy in them at the thought of moving on to the next adventure. All these things make me genuinely excited and happy for them.

And yet, my own fears and doubts creep in. Maybe it's because my heart is already so heavy anyway. I don't know. But when the day is over and everything goes still, that joy disappears and I am not okay. I am forced to face my fears that I'm not worth loving, that I am forgettable and unwanted. I'm afraid because the people that I love seem to be moving on to bigger and better things in life, and I find myself stagnant, nursing wounds that I cannot even see. I'm afraid of being left behind and forgotten.

This train of thought got me thinking about the apostles, and how they felt when Jesus died. Jesus was a friend, someone that they loved dearly. And he was gone. They had given up their lives to follow him, and he left them. I can only imagine the fears and doubts that crept into their hearts during those three days. Especially Peter.

He betrayed Jesus, he denied him three times. He turned his back on his friend when Jesus needed him the most. And then Jesus was gone. I'm sure Peter felt sorrow, grief, guilt, and anger at himself. I'm certain that he felt abandoned, unworthy and useless. Even after Jesus came back, even after Peter spoke with Jesus again, Peter was still afraid that he had done the unforgivable, still worried that he had messed up too bad to ever be loved again.

But Jesus knew. "Simon son of John, do you love me?...Then feed my sheep."

"Follow me." Jesus said.

I imagine Peter felt a lot like I'm feeling now. Standing before the immovable. Being brought to your knees before the unbearable. And Jesus' answer is the same to me as it was to Peter. "Follow me."

I love that sweet reminder. The reminder that yes, I have all of these fears, but Jesus sees right through them. He sees to the heart of the issue. Because at the heart of all those issues, at the heart of all the crap that I'm attempting to sort through, lies a bigger problem.

At the heart of Peter's problem was not his betrayal, but his lack of faith. He doubted that Jesus still loved him, that he had been forgiven, that he was worth dying for. At the heart of my struggle are not these worldly events that seem so big, so uncontrollable. At the heart of my struggle is a lack of faith. I doubt that this is all for the best, and that there is something more beautiful than I can possibly imagine waiting for me on the other side.

But God is good. And he is in control. "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm struggling now. Life is hard now. But the answer to all my questions, all my fears, all my doubts; the answer to my struggle, is not really an answer at all. It's an invitation.



"Follow me."



Arise, my love, and come with me.

Called Out

In the last three days, I have been called out twice for lying. By two different people, but for the exact same thing. God is doing big things in my life, big things in my heart, and for that I am grateful. However, my heart is so very heavy. And I guess it shows on my face, because people keep asking me if I am alright/tired/etc.

Every time someone asks me that question, I say that I am fine. It is my instinct, my habit, to immediately say that everything is fine. I don't need help, I'm fine, let's talk about something more fun because I know that you don't really want me to put my burden on you. That's what goes through my head every time I say that I am fine, even when I'm not.

Twice this week two friends of mine asked me if I was okay. I said yes. Wrong answer. Both friends kept asking, waiting for me to be honest. I refused. And both conversations ended with them saying that they don't believe me. And one phrase has been stuck in my head. "Don't lie to me and say that everything is alright when it's not."

Ouch. They called me out. And it was a really good thing that they did.

There are a lot of reasons why I find it so difficult to admit when I am struggling. But one of the most prominent ones is that I do not want to ruin someone else's mood by unloading all of my crap onto them. But, again, I am denying one of the greatest gifts that God has given me: community.

We are not made to suffer alone. We are not made to rejoice alone, to weep alone, to live alone. I wrote a while ago about realizing that the heart is the most important part of us, and I am just now realizing that that applies to community too. It isn't really community, it isn't really friendship, if you aren't honestly sharing your heart. God surrounds us with people who really do, honestly care for us. People who want to share our burdens. I am willing to bear the burdens of my friends, so why am I always so quick to assume they are unwilling to help me carry mine? I have been missing out on both the hardest and best part of community.

Granted, there are people who ask just because it is courteous. However, most people do not fall in that category. Most people ask simply because they care, at least a little bit, and who am I to decide which of those people deserve to hear the truth and which deserve lies?

I got called out. And from that God is calling me out of that habit, that comfort, that fear. If you ask me from now on, I will do my best to be honest. Because I don't need to have it all together. I have been given this heart, and even in moments of sorrow and grief, I should be proud to share it with the world. Because no matter what state it is in, it is my heart that makes me God's.

And that is beautiful.

Doing my best to remember that God is so very good.

Things I Appreciate in Others:

1. The ability to appreciate a good cup of coffee. You don't have to like it, you just have to be able to appreciate it. (Though, you do get extra points if you like it black :) )

2. Picking up on blatant social cues. I feel no need to further explain.

3. The ability to really listen, instead of simply waiting for their turn to talk. (I have been guilty of this myself.)

4. A really good laugh. The from-the-belly, throw-your-head-back kind of laugh. Embrace it, people. A chuckle simply doesn't suffice.

5. Still feeling comfortable with yourself even if you don't have any makeup on.

6. The occasional out-of-the-blue text message.

7. The ability to embrace silence. My car has no radio, so I tend to find out rather quickly which of my friends are capable of carrying a conversation without any distractions, and which are just extremely awkward. :)

8. Jesus.

9. Being willing to let me take you to coffee and grill you with questions about who you are, where you came from, and why you are the way that you are.

10. Enjoying a good game of Ultimate Frisbee. I could play that game all day long.

Self Portraits

Today was self portrait day. It was WAY harder than I thought it would be. And I got tired of looking at my own ugly mug all morning long. This is how the process went:

I found my tripod this morning, but couldn't find the screw to attach my camera to it, so for the first half of the morning, I was propping my camera on the back of the couch. Balance camera, zoom, focus, hit self-timer, re-focus, begin timer, run into frame, pose, click, exit frame, check photo. Repeat.

It's hard because I cannot adjust anything before the photo snaps. I cannot see where I am in the frame, what the lighting is doing, what my body position looks like. Nothing. Basically I am shooting blind. I find snapping photos of others MUCH easier. I can watch them through the viewfinder and position them before I actually snap the photo. With a self-portrait I am pretty much just guessing. About everything.

Enter: Life application.

Sometimes, I think it's true. Sometimes it is easier to capture someone else, rather than yourself. Let me explain.

I do not know about you, but I know that I tend to put others into neat little boxes. I think that I know them. I think that I understand them. And I am always wrong. People have stories, they have reasons that make them who they are. Why is it that I am so aware of my own story, of the fact that I cannot be put into a little bitty box, and yet I continue to overlook that fact in those around me?


I am a self-centered person. I project onto others that which I hate most. Again, I beg the question: Who do I think I am?


Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for you Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna

Slowly But Surely

I am slowly but surely figuring out how to use all the settings on my camera. It's a bit of a steep learning curve, but luckily I haven't had to capture any fleeting expressions yet. I have spent the morning rearranging the stuff in my dining room to try and snap a few good photos. This photo is my absolute favorite. Love. Love. Love.

This, in all its symbolism and imagery, is very much stuck in my heart and head at the moment. Meaning, I need time to think about it and process it, and attempt to listen to whatever it is that God is trying to teach me. It also means that there will probably be an in-depth blog post about said photo later this week.

Whether that's a good thing or not is entirely up to your interpretation.

For now, I am trying not to care too much about all my epic failures at work this week. God loves me even if I forget to go to work one day, sleep through my alarm the next, and generally fail at being a decent employee. So that means I shouldn't care that I suck at life, right? :)

Madly in Love with You

This is one of my favorite songs. It has been on my mind for a while now, and I am much in need of the reminder today.