I'm Not Who I Was

First and foremost, I'd like to thank those of you who have put up with my ridiculous moodiness over the last few days. I appreciate you letting me do my thing, and loving me anyway. In the words of my roommate, "Of COURSE you're moody! Did you read your last blog post??" Love her.

Why so moody? Well, that's a bit of a long story. Feel free to bail now, if you aren't interested :) God has been doing some CRAZY things in my life.

It really began two days ago when I read James 1:2-4. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Did you catch that first part? About considering troubles as an opportunity for great joy? What does that even mean???

I read this yesterday morning, and got butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't help but smile. Because I finally understand what this means. You see, considering trouble as an opportunity for joy doesn't mean that you don't care about that trouble. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore, that your heart doesn't ache anymore, or that it doesn't matter. What it DOES mean is that you're being shaped, being stretched, being changed. It means that you won't be the same person in the end. You'll be better in the end for having gone through it. Finding joy in the midst of trouble means holding on to that promise and having hope, being excited for the chance to be more like Christ, rather than despairing in your heartache. It means that God uses trouble to teach us, and to make us more like him.

Did you catch that?

I'm not who I was!

As of even four days ago, I am not the same person that I was. God is teaching me SO much in the middle of all this, not the least of which being that I have a voice. I'm learning to love others like Christ, and how to have joy in the midst of trouble. God is teaching me to both be still, and to have faith that works. He is absolutely, mercilessly, overturning everything that I thought I knew about faith. And I couldn't be happier.

I'm proud to be here. I'm proud to bear this weight because I do not bear it alone. I'm so excited, because I am not who I was! I am being shaped, being changed, by the God who shoulders this weight right next to me. I have found joy in the midst of trouble, and I can't believe that I've missed the true sense of it for so long.

Nothing is different. I'm still in the middle of the same crap that I was before. This high will fade, and I'll have to face the same life that I've been struggling with lately. But I have found the kind of joy that doesn't fade away. I will walk out of this season as a woman who is a little more like Christ than the woman I was when I walked into it. I am not the same.

So let the waters rise, if you want them to. I will follow you.

I do so love my God.