Called Out

In the last three days, I have been called out twice for lying. By two different people, but for the exact same thing. God is doing big things in my life, big things in my heart, and for that I am grateful. However, my heart is so very heavy. And I guess it shows on my face, because people keep asking me if I am alright/tired/etc.

Every time someone asks me that question, I say that I am fine. It is my instinct, my habit, to immediately say that everything is fine. I don't need help, I'm fine, let's talk about something more fun because I know that you don't really want me to put my burden on you. That's what goes through my head every time I say that I am fine, even when I'm not.

Twice this week two friends of mine asked me if I was okay. I said yes. Wrong answer. Both friends kept asking, waiting for me to be honest. I refused. And both conversations ended with them saying that they don't believe me. And one phrase has been stuck in my head. "Don't lie to me and say that everything is alright when it's not."

Ouch. They called me out. And it was a really good thing that they did.

There are a lot of reasons why I find it so difficult to admit when I am struggling. But one of the most prominent ones is that I do not want to ruin someone else's mood by unloading all of my crap onto them. But, again, I am denying one of the greatest gifts that God has given me: community.

We are not made to suffer alone. We are not made to rejoice alone, to weep alone, to live alone. I wrote a while ago about realizing that the heart is the most important part of us, and I am just now realizing that that applies to community too. It isn't really community, it isn't really friendship, if you aren't honestly sharing your heart. God surrounds us with people who really do, honestly care for us. People who want to share our burdens. I am willing to bear the burdens of my friends, so why am I always so quick to assume they are unwilling to help me carry mine? I have been missing out on both the hardest and best part of community.

Granted, there are people who ask just because it is courteous. However, most people do not fall in that category. Most people ask simply because they care, at least a little bit, and who am I to decide which of those people deserve to hear the truth and which deserve lies?

I got called out. And from that God is calling me out of that habit, that comfort, that fear. If you ask me from now on, I will do my best to be honest. Because I don't need to have it all together. I have been given this heart, and even in moments of sorrow and grief, I should be proud to share it with the world. Because no matter what state it is in, it is my heart that makes me God's.

And that is beautiful.

Doing my best to remember that God is so very good.