Awkward

"...the fields go to weeds when the farmer isn't there to tend them anymore."

This piece of truth came from my sweet roommate Sam, in the middle of the night last night. We were both exhausted, and yet, the Lord had other plans for us than sleeping. And well he did. We were up until almost 3 am, sharing the things going on in our hearts that Satan had done a really good job of telling us to keep silent.

We got no answers. I had no answers for her, and I got none in return (though in my situation, there literally ARE no answers.) And yet, we both came out of it feeling better than we did going in. And the simple fact that we are no longer alone in our confusion is incredibly helpful.

I wish so badly that I had control over my heart. It will not do what I want it to, expect it to, or really think it should do. I gave it to God in the expectation that he'd flip it inside out and upside down like he always does.... Not this time, though. No. Instead of getting rid of a feeling in my heart like he usually does, he intensified it. He made it worse.

And this rubs me the wrong way. Not because I don't trust God or that he has my best interests at heart. I am fully aware that this is perfect, no matter how awkward it may make me feel. No, it rubs me the wrong way because I never wanted it in the first place and cannot control it, no matter how hard I try. Because I do not see the point or the purpose of it, and I am left feeling awkward and incredibly stupid. (And feeling like everything I do is horribly, painfully awkward as well.)

My heart does not belong to me, and I cannot control it. I can only control what I do with it.

And maybe that's the point of this season of life. I have no idea.

But I do feel the need to remind myself that God is good, and he knows what he's doing. Even when I ask him, "what the heck are you doing?" and I get no answer. Even when all I want is for him to do what I want him to and he won't. His plans always work out better than mine, and my life would be a big, horrendous mess right now if I had gotten exactly what I wanted... ever.

God is teaching me to trust him in a way I have never had to before. And that is good and wonderful and I am thankful for it.

Even if I'm not happy about it.

It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. And that is perfect.

Somehow. :)