I have never been much of a romantic. I like the idea of being swept off my feet. I like the idea of getting married and being loved by someone. But in reality? In anything more concrete than theory and the very far, distant future? It scares the crap out of me.
I would be perfectly content to kick it with Jesus and a really cool dog for the rest of my life. I have never longed for, or even really wanted a man in that picture. I have thought and been learning about what a husband should look like, but I never really applied it (more than theoretically) to myself. Deep down, I have always wanted to love Jesus, and only Jesus, for the rest of my life.
However, much to my current dismay, it seems that is not the plan. Because as content as I would be to love Jesus alone, I want it because it is easy. Because Jesus will never hurt me, and loving him doesn't require me to face the deep-rooted distrust I have for men.
And yet, God is very clearly preparing me to be pursued. He is teaching me not to run away whenever someone gets close to me. He is teaching me to allow myself to be loved, which is something I have never been able to do. He is taking that far-off possibility and bringing it into sharp, panic-inducing reality.
Who? I am not sure. When? I have absolutely no idea. Those questions, it seems, do not need to be answered just yet.
I thank God for his patience, because he has shown me a lot of grace in waiting for me to stop freaking out. He has mercifully ignored my pleas to be left alone, and has consistently brought me to my knees before him despite my attempts to run for the hills.
Because I just want to be left alone. I trust God to the ends of the earth, but that does not change the fact that this happens to be the one thing in the world that I am most afraid of. I do not like this, and I would love for it to go away. But, God is good and this apparently is too.
Whoever is being prepared to pursue me, may the grace of God be with him. He's going to need it.
I would be perfectly content to kick it with Jesus and a really cool dog for the rest of my life. I have never longed for, or even really wanted a man in that picture. I have thought and been learning about what a husband should look like, but I never really applied it (more than theoretically) to myself. Deep down, I have always wanted to love Jesus, and only Jesus, for the rest of my life.
However, much to my current dismay, it seems that is not the plan. Because as content as I would be to love Jesus alone, I want it because it is easy. Because Jesus will never hurt me, and loving him doesn't require me to face the deep-rooted distrust I have for men.
And yet, God is very clearly preparing me to be pursued. He is teaching me not to run away whenever someone gets close to me. He is teaching me to allow myself to be loved, which is something I have never been able to do. He is taking that far-off possibility and bringing it into sharp, panic-inducing reality.
Who? I am not sure. When? I have absolutely no idea. Those questions, it seems, do not need to be answered just yet.
I thank God for his patience, because he has shown me a lot of grace in waiting for me to stop freaking out. He has mercifully ignored my pleas to be left alone, and has consistently brought me to my knees before him despite my attempts to run for the hills.
Because I just want to be left alone. I trust God to the ends of the earth, but that does not change the fact that this happens to be the one thing in the world that I am most afraid of. I do not like this, and I would love for it to go away. But, God is good and this apparently is too.
Whoever is being prepared to pursue me, may the grace of God be with him. He's going to need it.
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