I have a problem with commitment. I don't tend to like it. I'm all gung-ho about things right off the bat... and then things get hard and I want to run for the hills. I want to start over, because it isn't fresh and exciting and new anymore. It gets hard, and I no longer want it.
This is immature. I know. But it stems from much deeper issues, and they take time to overturn. What I did not understand was just how difficult it would be to change this. Granted, this was all Jesus and absolutely zero percent me. He's the one doing all the overturning here. But I'm the one who still has to choose to be committed at the end of the day... and that is getting harder as time goes on.
I'm running a 50k in April (8 weeks to go...) That's 31 miles of single-track dirt trail... 6 miles further than a marathon. My dad likes to run these (Ultramarathons) and I've always thought that'd be a cool thing to say I did. My dad and I also have a pretty horrible relationship that is proving harder to bridge than I originally thought (which wasn't very optimistic in the first place.) So, when he asked if I wanted to run this with him, I jumped on the opportunity. It gives us something to talk about, something to do together. It gives us the common footing we need, and as soon as he said it I knew that's where God wanted me to be.
That's all well and good. Except now I'm two months into training for this and I'm tired. I'm tired of being at home on Friday nights because I have to get up early to run on Saturdays. I'm tired of being too tired to hang out on Saturday nights because I ran all morning long. Running is my job, and it requires so much more than I realized. As the number of miles go up, I have to give up more and more things that I value to make time.
But I realized something. That pull? That voice that tells me it's okay to go over to hang out with friends tonight, because it is good for your soul and you deserve to have fun on a Friday? That's not God. Because as great as it would feel to blow off steam with my friends, that is not what matters most in the long run. God does not tell me that it's okay to go back on promises because following through requires me to give up something I want. I know the sound of his voice, and this is not it.
Investing in the people around me is good. And I need time to blow off steam with my friends. But never at the cost of a promise I made to someone else. I am realizing how often I do this. So, I thank God for teaching me to be a woman who can be taken at her word, someone who can be trusted to follow through.
This is very clearly where the Lord is leading me. And I promised to follow him. So, off to bed at 9:30 on a Friday I go.
This is immature. I know. But it stems from much deeper issues, and they take time to overturn. What I did not understand was just how difficult it would be to change this. Granted, this was all Jesus and absolutely zero percent me. He's the one doing all the overturning here. But I'm the one who still has to choose to be committed at the end of the day... and that is getting harder as time goes on.
I'm running a 50k in April (8 weeks to go...) That's 31 miles of single-track dirt trail... 6 miles further than a marathon. My dad likes to run these (Ultramarathons) and I've always thought that'd be a cool thing to say I did. My dad and I also have a pretty horrible relationship that is proving harder to bridge than I originally thought (which wasn't very optimistic in the first place.) So, when he asked if I wanted to run this with him, I jumped on the opportunity. It gives us something to talk about, something to do together. It gives us the common footing we need, and as soon as he said it I knew that's where God wanted me to be.
That's all well and good. Except now I'm two months into training for this and I'm tired. I'm tired of being at home on Friday nights because I have to get up early to run on Saturdays. I'm tired of being too tired to hang out on Saturday nights because I ran all morning long. Running is my job, and it requires so much more than I realized. As the number of miles go up, I have to give up more and more things that I value to make time.
But I realized something. That pull? That voice that tells me it's okay to go over to hang out with friends tonight, because it is good for your soul and you deserve to have fun on a Friday? That's not God. Because as great as it would feel to blow off steam with my friends, that is not what matters most in the long run. God does not tell me that it's okay to go back on promises because following through requires me to give up something I want. I know the sound of his voice, and this is not it.
Investing in the people around me is good. And I need time to blow off steam with my friends. But never at the cost of a promise I made to someone else. I am realizing how often I do this. So, I thank God for teaching me to be a woman who can be taken at her word, someone who can be trusted to follow through.
This is very clearly where the Lord is leading me. And I promised to follow him. So, off to bed at 9:30 on a Friday I go.
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