The amount that I have learned about love in the last few months is something I can’t encapsulate in words just yet. The amount that I have learned in the last 24 hours alone is something I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to explain.
Since August, I’ve been up to my ears in questions, answers and interviews. I’ve been applying for every opportunity that God brought my way. Why? Because it seemed really important. Turns out God was right. With every application, every question, every essay, I learned a little bit more about what I’m looking for. And usually by the time I would get to the end of the application, I would realize that that wasn’t actually what I wanted to do at all and wouldn’t turn the application in.
And now, three months and what feels like a million applications later, I realized how much my humanity has crept into this whole process. Because God shifted my heart a few weeks ago. He showed me what it is that I long for: to continue to be wrecked by love. But I had gotten into my head that this process was going to result in some sort of direction, so I didn’t see that revelation for its true value. I waved hello to it as it settled into my heart, and turned my attention back to pursuing every option I found, determined to continue until God finally told me “yes” to one of them.
And then I was slapped in the face by my own words. Last week I shared a very difficult conversation with someone and was bluntly honest about the fact that they had not been careful with my heart. One of the things I said was that “you have an idea in your head about where my heart should be, and in that you have missed the grace of where I am.”
That is far more true than I realized when I said it. I had an idea in my head about where I should be, and in that I have missed the grace of where I am.
And here’s the truth about me: I’m a mess. All the time. I’m proud, selfish and arrogant. I have a really hard time loving my family. I am jealous and often pretend to be more confident than I am. I make mistakes, all the time. I fail to love Jesus every day. I am a girl with a lot of baggage. I come with a heart torn ragged by abuse and abandonment. And that heart has just recently learned to love and be loved and is still really bad at both. That stubborn heart still throws up walls at any threat, any pursuit, any perceived danger.
And in my head, I have an idea of where I should be. And that ^^ isn’t it. How can where I am be so far from where I should be?
Maybe because there is no such thing as “should be.”
Because this life of mine? It isn’t mine at all. It’s God’s, and he loves us more than we know. God is love. A Love that loves unto purity. A Love that isn’t about being perfect or in the perfect place. There is no map, no 12 step program, no ‘should be.’ Love is wherever you are.
On Sunday, as I was driving home from backpacking and mulling over some of these things when they were still half-formed, I heard that it was baptism Sunday at my church. Something stirred in my heart. I got to lunch and my roommate told me about her experience at church that morning, and how she was going to go back that evening and get baptized. That stirring in my heart intensified, so I just smiled and said, “I'm coming too.”
I’ve loved Jesus for a while now. But there was such overwhelming love in standing up in front of my church family, with new friends ready to surrender with me, with both my sweet roommates who have played such big roles in my story, and getting baptized by Cy, my big brother in everything but blood. It wrecked me. In every wonderful way.
I’ve been wrecked by love. Right here, right now, in all my fear and failure and sin. And all I want is to continue to be wrecked by love. And that’s all there really is to it. The grace of where I am? It’s that Love is wherever you are.
And I’m right here.
Since August, I’ve been up to my ears in questions, answers and interviews. I’ve been applying for every opportunity that God brought my way. Why? Because it seemed really important. Turns out God was right. With every application, every question, every essay, I learned a little bit more about what I’m looking for. And usually by the time I would get to the end of the application, I would realize that that wasn’t actually what I wanted to do at all and wouldn’t turn the application in.
And now, three months and what feels like a million applications later, I realized how much my humanity has crept into this whole process. Because God shifted my heart a few weeks ago. He showed me what it is that I long for: to continue to be wrecked by love. But I had gotten into my head that this process was going to result in some sort of direction, so I didn’t see that revelation for its true value. I waved hello to it as it settled into my heart, and turned my attention back to pursuing every option I found, determined to continue until God finally told me “yes” to one of them.
And then I was slapped in the face by my own words. Last week I shared a very difficult conversation with someone and was bluntly honest about the fact that they had not been careful with my heart. One of the things I said was that “you have an idea in your head about where my heart should be, and in that you have missed the grace of where I am.”
That is far more true than I realized when I said it. I had an idea in my head about where I should be, and in that I have missed the grace of where I am.
And here’s the truth about me: I’m a mess. All the time. I’m proud, selfish and arrogant. I have a really hard time loving my family. I am jealous and often pretend to be more confident than I am. I make mistakes, all the time. I fail to love Jesus every day. I am a girl with a lot of baggage. I come with a heart torn ragged by abuse and abandonment. And that heart has just recently learned to love and be loved and is still really bad at both. That stubborn heart still throws up walls at any threat, any pursuit, any perceived danger.
And in my head, I have an idea of where I should be. And that ^^ isn’t it. How can where I am be so far from where I should be?
Maybe because there is no such thing as “should be.”
Because this life of mine? It isn’t mine at all. It’s God’s, and he loves us more than we know. God is love. A Love that loves unto purity. A Love that isn’t about being perfect or in the perfect place. There is no map, no 12 step program, no ‘should be.’ Love is wherever you are.
On Sunday, as I was driving home from backpacking and mulling over some of these things when they were still half-formed, I heard that it was baptism Sunday at my church. Something stirred in my heart. I got to lunch and my roommate told me about her experience at church that morning, and how she was going to go back that evening and get baptized. That stirring in my heart intensified, so I just smiled and said, “I'm coming too.”
I’ve loved Jesus for a while now. But there was such overwhelming love in standing up in front of my church family, with new friends ready to surrender with me, with both my sweet roommates who have played such big roles in my story, and getting baptized by Cy, my big brother in everything but blood. It wrecked me. In every wonderful way.
I’ve been wrecked by love. Right here, right now, in all my fear and failure and sin. And all I want is to continue to be wrecked by love. And that’s all there really is to it. The grace of where I am? It’s that Love is wherever you are.
And I’m right here.
For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead. You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. Colossians 2:12-14
Alleluia, amen.
This has so been my prayer for you. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is one of the reasons that God is so freaking cool. Thanks for praying for me :)
DeleteDead to sin, alive in Christ. LOVE IT! Thank you for loving Jesus, Ally!
ReplyDelete