God has a habit of taking small things and using them to turn me upside down. The latest being the visa that I need in order to study in Spain. I need several REALLY important documents before I can apply for my visa, which I need to do in the near future. But I never received the documents that were supposedly sent to my house, so it will be two weeks before I get another set.
A huge part of me wanted to panic. Wanted to stress out. Wanted to FREAK out. Simply because I am going to camp in a few weeks, and I can't wait that long to apply for my visa. And if, for some reason I can't get my visa, I can't study abroad, and then a whole domino effect happens that would leave me pretty bereft. At least, that's what was playing in my head during this whole process.
God had plans so much bigger than that, though.
He is not only exposing and tearing down my idol of control (which stems from that stubborn pride,) he is reminding me that this trip is not about me. (There's that pride again...)
I didn't realize that I was thinking about it that way. But I definitely was. I never once thought about God's plan for me, or what he wanted out of me next semester. I thought about all the things that I wanted to do, all the things I wanted to see, and everything that I hoped to gain from the trip, and maybe learn some cool things about God along the way.
I'm ashamed. I am ashamed that I claim to love this God of mine, and yet I can't even remember to think of him when it matters. So much so that my roommate came home to find me already in tears, and we spent more than two hours talking and crying at regular intervals.
I was moved to tears by my own sin, my own inadequacy, my great need for a Savior. For my inability to let go of my pride, even though it is the thing I pray for most. For my inability to love this God that so dearly loves me. But I was also moved to tears by grace.
Because my roommate wasn't going to come home. Her plan was to go out to dinner with her boyfriend. But she ended up telling him that she needed to go home. When he asked her why, all she could say was that she knew that she needed to. And what did she find when she came home? A roommate sorely in need of her company.
God knew. He has his hand all over this situation. He definitely broke through my stubborn pride, if only for the fleeting moment that it tends to be (though I pray otherwise...) And he knew that I would need a little help and encouragement in that. He knew that I would need to be reminded that, yes, it is a good thing to feel the weight of our sin, but not to despair in our failure. (Enter, Jesus.)
There isn't a thing that I can do to disappoint God. He is not ashamed of me and my sin. Because when he looks at me, he sees Christ. He sees a beloved daughter who is doing her best to chase after him with all her heart, all her strength, all her mind.
I am not condemned for my imperfections, just as I do not get credit for my successes.
So, yes, I have been looking at my trip to Spain with a poor heart. It could flip upside down and inside out, and there is no way that it is going to turn out the way I expect it to. And whatever happens will happen because it will bring the most glory to God to do so. And I can't wait. I have no idea what it is going to look like, but I know that it will be hard and beautiful and full of Jesus. And that I will not be the only person who comes out of it different. Which is so much better than any of the reasons I wanted to go in the first place. So, I don't have any more plans. I don't have any more expectations. The visa will come through or it won't.
Because it isn't about me. The trip. My life. None of it is for me. Thank God, because all I do is make a mess of things. It isn't about me. I don't know his plan, but I know that I will stop trying to bend his will to mine. And I know that pride is not a temporary struggle, so though it hurts, I pray that I would take the lesson in humility with grace. Because it is grace that I am chasing, and grace will keep those lessons coming.
All I am certain of is that God is good and merciful and kind. And so patient with this proud and undeserving, often oblivious daughter. And that is more than enough.
...For in the arms of my dear Savior, there are ten thousand charms.
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