Dear Ally

Dear Ally,

It has been a long time since we saw each other. I haven't seen your face in so long, I am beginning to forget what you look like. I don't understand. We used to spend all our time together, and now? Now I only see you once a week. Did I do something wrong? Please tell me if I did. I miss you.

You have kept me in the dark for two months, and I am beginning to wonder if you still feel the same way. You left for camp and now I never hear from you, never see you. Did you find someone else? If so, I'll do my best to move on. But I thought we were going to be together forever. Was I wrong?

Yours Always,

Your Tattoo

Feeding the Fire

Someday, I will actually be able to write about all the things the Lord is doing in my life, in my wordy, all-over-the-place way as usual. That day is not today. Today is another rough update of camp life. I'm not sure if an apology or a "you're welcome," is in order.

> Today was my day off. It was Christmas at camp, so we got to sleep in for an extra hour (only had to wake up at 8 am. Yay!) and my campers brought me breakfast in bed. Then, I drove for an hour and met Kenny in Brevard, NC, where we climbed at Looking Glass for the day. Only downside: I totally chickened out of leading any of the three pitches we climbed today. Slab climbing is not my forte, and the eyebrows totally freaked me out. It's just the truth...On the upside, the climb was really fun and we got some really great pizza afterwards. Success.
> It felt weird to go climbing with Kenny, but then drive back to camp. I felt like I should be driving back to my little house in Nashville. So much so that I called my roommate and told her that I missed her. I get to see her in a little over two weeks!
> Another upside to the day: It felt good to just see someone from back home. And to spend the day with someone who wasn't from camp. It was just a nice change of pace, even if I did spend most of the day talking about camp anyway.
> That band-aid tan on my arm? Roasted. It is the only part of my body (besides my cheeks) that burned today. So now, instead of a square of white on my arm, there is a square of red. Ridiculous.
> There is coffee shop in Black Mountain that everyone goes to called the Drip. It is awesome. Major downfall? It closes at 9:30 every night. Totally lame.
> I realized today that I am actually sad that I won't be around the Beaman this semester. Literally, I am sad about it. I will miss my friends there, my job there, everything. But, spring semester will be here entirely too soon, and then I'll be wishing I could leave the Beaman again, I am sure.
> I spent $1,600 today. That's right. It went to a plane ticket to Madrid, and a train pass for 15 days. Doesn't seem like that's $1,600 worth of goods does it?
> I keep losing things. My phone charger, my car charger for my phone, the USB cord for my camera, my Chacos, my waterbottle... I always find them, but they wander off all the time... What the heck?
>I get my last batch of girls on Sunday. Oh, my, goodness. I have a strange mixture of excitement and dread. Mostly excitement though.
> I will be bringing kayaking into the OP arsenal. Get ready.
> Yesterday was a counselor fail. Me and my co-counselor were supposed to be back in our cabin at 10 pm. We didn't show up until 10:40. Oops. We were even hanging out in the same place, we just didn't even think about the fact that by 10 pm no one would be watching our cabin anymore. Much thanks to the counselors next door for watching the girls for us while we failed at life.
> More days than not, I find myself asking the question, "Lord, what the heck are you doing?" I never get an answer, but for some reason it makes me feel better to ask it. One thing I do know, though, is that it is fantastic.
> The Lord is still teaching me, everyday, about relationships. Every time I think there can't be more for me to learn, there is. Then again, I think relationships are things that you never really figure out all the way.
> Yesterday I got to go on a waterskiing trip. Can I waterski? Nope. Never tried. But did I get to spend the afternoon sitting on a boat, swimming, and looking at the mountains surrounding the lake? Yes. Total success, even if I didn't get to try waterskiing.
> Sometimes I think other people think my life is way more awesome than it really is.
> One of the trends of my life lately has been this: Don't feed the fire. More on this later.
> I love camp. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when I am exhausted and want life to be about me for a while. Tomorrow, I can totally handle you. Well, me and Jesus can handle you, anyway.

Hasta Luego!

Time Warp

There are three weeks of camp left. I have three more days off, two more nights off, and then... done. Crazy. Three weeks! In two more Saturdays, I'll be saying goodbye to Merri-Mac. And hello, Spain... In light of that, here is a recap of my past few days.

1. Today was AWESOME. They didn't put me in any classes, so I went to the dock and helped teach swimming, diving and kayaking all day. Which involved talking to some of my best friends here, sitting in the sunshine, swimming, and practicing my kayaking skills.

2. Today, my friend Getta wanted to see my hand roll. (That's where you flip your kayak over with just your hands, not using the paddle.) I've only done it twice, and then couldn't do it again, so I was a bit nervous about trying it. Messing up involves a lot of water up your nose. My co-counselor Laura then yells, "Ah, I've seen you do it!" yanks my paddle out of my hands and flips my kayak over, cutting off my yell of, "Wait, Laura!" in a mouthful of water. Much to my delight, however, I rolled right back out of the water with no problem. And then Getta said, "Sorry, Ally, I didn't see it!" and then Laura rolls me right back over before I have any idea what's happening. Another successful roll for me, another dirty look for Laura.

3. The longer camp goes on, the more important communication becomes. Most importantly because it becomes harder to give others the benefit of the doubt when you are exhausted, and communication just makes things so much easier for everyone.

4. I have to cover my tattoo while I'm on camp property (it makes me a bad influence, apparently... I guess 14 year olds going home telling their parents they want a tattoo like their counselor is probably not the best thing.) Thus, I have a sweet band-aid tattoo on the inside of my forearm.

5. Lake Doris is officially disgusting. The fish have begun to die, and there are dead tadpoles floating all over the lake. Sick. Does that stop me from kayaking and swimming, which involves water in the mouth sometimes? Absolutely not.

6. I have read these books at camp so far: The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, (started Mockingjay today,) Mere Christianity, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Pursuit of God, and my Utmost for His Highest. Success.

7. The amount of people here who LOVE Jesus is astounding. And I mean LOVE. It is so wonderful. They have taught me so much about the way people are supposed to love each other, and the way we are supposed to love Christ. I am so grateful for my sweet friends here.

8. Three weeks feels like a very long time, and like absolutely no time at all. It is becoming harder, and infinitely more important, for me to be grateful for where I am, when I am.

9. Spain in 34 days. I have exactly two weeks to get myself to Saint Louis, see all my friends, and get packed before I leave.

10. After camp? Here is the loose plan: Getta and I are leaving the morning camp is out, hanging out at Natalie's house in Black Mountain, NC. Then we are going to SC to see a friend of Getta's for a day (Natalie is coming with us, I think) and then coming back to BM to see one of Getta's campers. Then, to Nashville for a few days. Then to Saint Louis for a week. Then to Chicago to pick up my visa, then back to Saint Louis where both Getta and I will fly out from. (Going our separate ways at this point.) So busy. So fun.

11. I used my WFR skills today. Granted, we were in the middle of a park in Black Mountain, NC. But one of my campers slipped and fell and hit the cement pretty hard. I heard her hit the ground, and when I turned to look, she wasn't moving. At all. My heart stopped. I and my co-counselor went into high gear. Fifteen minutes, one patient exam, and a few soothing words later, all was well. She has some bad bruises on the inside of her elbow, but nothing broken... It took about thirty minutes before my heart rate came down, though.

12. Tomorrow is my birthday. (and my mom's.) Goodbye, teenage years. Hello, twenties. It feels weird. I am excited to be spending it at camp, but am a bit sad that I can't go to the zoo with my mom like we usually do.

Happy 50th birthday, mama!

Fried

See, by the time I get to my day off, I am so tired that I can barely think enough to write anything worthwhile. I have so much to say, and no brain power left to say it coherently. Life musings may have to wait until I get home.... I am substituting with another brief update of my life here:

> I learned how to do my hand roll in kayaking. That means no paddle. Just your hands and (the most important part,) your hips. Obsession complete. I may be able to go kayaking with a friend from my Wilderness First Responder class before I leave for Spain. Success.
> I literally cannot believe that I have been here for almost seven weeks. And that I have just over three weeks left. The thought both makes me incredibly excited and incredibly sad. I am trying to do what is so often difficult for me: to enjoy where I am, when I am.
> Over the last few weeks, I have noticed myself getting more and more selfish. It is becoming harder and harder to spend my free time with my campers, instead of sleeping or reading or being by myself. I literally sleep in the same room as my campers, so alone-time is almost non-existent. It is also becoming harder and harder to put my co-counselors before myself, and to think of how tired they must be before I consider how tired I am. We have definitely reached the part of the summer where we find the end of ourselves, and we throw in the towel completely, or we give in and let Jesus be our strength for us.
> On the topic of strength: I was struggling a bit this morning when I found a letter in my laptop bag that a friend wrote me at the end of the school year. I re-read it, and was so humbly reminded that I am often too strong for my own good, and that weakness is where God does the most in us. And through us. So this point of exhaustion and the incredible temptation to check out and stop giving my campers all I've got? It is beautiful, because it is here that I will stop getting in the way and Jesus will shine the brightest.
> I am incredibly blessed by my friends here. I have learned so much about what godly men and women look like, and how they are meant to love each other. This is so very clearly where I was meant to be this summer.
> The blue ridge mountains are beautiful, and the view from on top of Table Rock is one of my favorites. I also love Asheville. If I do not live in Boulder, I'll probably live in Asheville. If I stay in the U.S. at all...
> My tire exploded last week. Literally, exploded. Luckily, Moe and Jason came along and put my spare on for me, and I managed to get a new (and by new I mean used) tire for $75. Not too shabby.
> The one thing I miss most is my little house in Nashville. I miss my room (which isn't currently there anymore, but in my mind it still is) and my chair, with all my books. I miss curling up in my chair and reading until I fall asleep. I miss my roommate and jumping on her bed and talking until we fall asleep. I miss cooking and baking and having people over. I miss my favorite coffee shop, and buying groceries and going on climbing adventures with my dearest friends. I love it here, but these are a few of my favorite things...
> The hardest part of camp has become teaching classes... I loved it at first, but now I have done the same thing at least 100 times. And I am teaching little kids about climbing when I'm used to teaching college kids. There are crazy safety rules. I struggle with not being able to teach the way I want to, and having to teach all the time without actually getting to do any climbing myself. It may be a bit selfish, but it makes it hard when you have to spend ten weeks talking about how great climbing is, without ever getting to do it.
> There is more that I will tell you about later, but my brain is currently fried...

A Few Bullet Points

Let me just give you the run-down on my life at the moment...

1. I have 23 fourteen year old girls to chase after. All day, every day.
2. Yesterday, one of my girls took a dirty rag, in the middle of dinner, and wrung it out over another girls head... Really? How old are you?
3. It is two weeks into camp, and I just now got a master key. Before today, I was completely unable to open the climbing closet, which houses all the harnesses and helmets that I need to teach class every day.
4. I have learned that I love teaching climbing. And pretty much all outdoor things.
5. I have also learned that I very much dislike sassiness, and do not tolerate it.
6. I have also learned that I only like teaching people who are really interested in learning.
7. I am so very, very tired.
8. Bed time is ten, but a girl found a bug next to her bed and freaked out and my entire cabin was up until 10:45. I was the only counselor in the cabin, trying to quiet twenty three girls. The next morning, the counselors from across the road told me they couldn't sleep because we were so loud. Fail.
9. There are moments when I believe I am the worst camp counselor ever.
10. I have a new outdoor hobby: kayaking. More on this later.
11. The hardest part of camp (for me) is finding quiet time. Time to read my bible and re-charge so that I can love my girls well. I am still struggling to find a balance in that.
12. There are things about this camp that I absolutely love. There are also things about camp that just make me miss Young Life, and the way that they do camp.
13. Staff worship tonight!!

Be Careful

The brokenness of relationships has been heavy on my heart over the last few months. How the line between friendship and relationship becomes so blurred that we rarely know which side of the line we stand on. And we rarely find ourselves standing on the same side of the line as our counterpart.

Why is that? Why is it so incredibly complicated? It was never meant to be.

Adam and Eve? In the presence of God, they never questioned their relationship. Because it was God that brought them together, not their own selfish desires. They didn't have to play this game of cat-and-mouse that we seem to be so fond of these days. There were no games, no questions, no doubts, no hurt. It was only when sin entered the world that the lines of their relationship began to blur.

Both men and women are to blame here. Both share some of the guilt.

Women are guilty of chasing after men. We are so desperate for a husband, this person that we believe we need in order to live a successful life, that we refuse to trust the Lord to bring him to us. We do not trust that God has it under control, so we take it upon ourselves to chase them down in any way that we can. We chase men before God, and then wonder why we get our hearts broken. We often hear the phrase "guard your hearts," but no one has ever taught us what that really means or how you do that. So we pursue them, and settle for the best we can find.

I am by no means letting us women off the hook. You'll hear more about that later. But based on the events of the last few weeks, I feel drawn to challenging my brothers in Christ with a few thoughts on their roles in this.

Some of the ways that we women are most vulnerable are in words, touch, quality time and gifts. Our hearts are often tied closely to these things, and we read into everything. Everything. Be careful here, men. I'll say it again.

Be careful.

Kind words, hugs, one-on-one time and thoughtful gifts are wonderful things. And friends certainly can exchange these things. But once you begin to pile two or three of these things on top of each other? Ah, then we have a problem. If you constantly say nice things, are constantly flirty, and are very touchy-feely? We are going to think you're pursuing us. And when it turns out that you're not pursuing us? That you treat every girl like that, and we really aren't special at all? It hurts, men. More than you know.

Often, you have no idea that you're doing it. I challenge you to be aware of the hearts of your sisters, and how your actions either harm or protect us. Because there is no in between. Every action either protects us and builds us up, or painfully tears us down.

Think about the way you treat your female friends on a daily basis.

• Would you still act the same if you knew that your actions could be leading us away from God?
• Would it change anything if you knew that carelessness in this matter often causes us a great deal of pain?
• What about the fact that that girl you so carelessly flirt with will, someday, be someone's wife?

Would that change the way you love us as sisters?

Do you chase us, say nice things to us, give us gifts or spend time with us because you're trying to get something from us? Whether it be approval or a relationship or something like that? Do you chase us because you think we are beautiful or fun?

Are you acting out of your own desires, or God's? The only time you should give a girl reason to believe you are pursuing her is because God told you to pursue her. Not because you want to, because you think she is pretty or fun.

I want you (both men and women) to think about your actions. We are both in the wrong here. Why do you do the things you do? Are you protecting or harming each other?

There is no in between.

Be careful.

Roll, Kayak

Here is the basic layout of my last few days:

Tuesday: paid $800 for dental work that has left me with a constant toothache, drove to Asheville, NC for camp, and upon arriving got immediately whisked away to get ice cream at the Blue Cone and dinner at BWW.

Wednesday: slept in, met more people, sat on the dock all day with the climbing staff, learning how to set anchors and tie bowlines.

Thursday: Left at the crack of dawn for Table Rock, and spent the day at Yellow Wall, learning how to set anchors, do rope rescues, and rappel from above your masterpoint. Came home, missed dinner, and went out to BWW again.

Friday: Left at the crack of dawn again for Table Rock, this time at Devil's Cellar. Spent the day learning to set anchors, do releasable rappels, and how to be professional guides. Missed dinner again, and went to Mellow Mushroom for a ten o'clock dinner.

Saturday: Slept in, went for a long trail run (which turned into a hike for a while because the trail was so steep) took a nap, went to town for coffee at The Drip, made some phone calls to friends, and then went to bed early.

Sunday: Up at the crack of dawn, had breakfast, went to church, rode ponies, and then learned how to roll a kayak. And by learn I mean I managed to get it once and then couldn't do it again before we got stormed out of the lake. Went back to town for coffee, and spent the evening on the porch in a rocking chair, having great conversation with friends.

There have already been some ups and downs. I have been exhausted, crabby and quiet up until this afternoon because I haven't been able to eat anything. I can't have a lot of the food they make in the dining hall, and the staff haven't quite gotten down what I can and can't have. So, for the last few days, I've been going hungry. Not good. I also have been having trouble finding a quiet place to do my quiet time in the mornings. Also not good. I also felt like everyone around me was expecting me to know more about climbing than I really do.

All of those things together made for a really hard few days. I was hungry, exhausted, and self-conscious. I had absolutely no peace, because I was defining my worth by my performance, which wasn't very good. I called a few friends, just needing some encouragement and to be reminded that God is good and faithful. And you know what? He was.

This morning was tough, but I got to eat lunch (yay!) and play in the lake with some friends. I got down a few basics about rolling a kayak, and conquered a bit of my fear about being underwater like that....(I wouldn't have been half as hesitant if I didn't get water up my nose every time I tried.) I went to church and worshiped my heart out, and spent the rest of the evening drinking coffee/tea, sitting in a rocking chair on the porch and talking to an awesome pair of girls about life and God and everything in between.

I am a mess, but God is good and for some odd reason chooses to do good things through me. I like this.

Tomorrow, more staff come and we start staff week (last week was special training for climbers, riders, and kayakers) and then campers come next Sunday.... This is about to get crazy.